does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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