Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
