so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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