I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
