she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
