I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
