I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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