I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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