I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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