I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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