ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
