o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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