Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
