the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
