you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
