Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
