i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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