So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
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the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
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therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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