he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
