Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
