U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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