he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
