A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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