Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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