the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
cat food counts as protein by the way
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
