I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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