Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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