Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
