tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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