I hate your face
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
