Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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