Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Randomize
