you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
