she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
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buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
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I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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