Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
