where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
