I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
