is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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