How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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