Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
