walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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