Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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