i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
