Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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