Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
