fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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