Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
