Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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