where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize