woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
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We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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