porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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