I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
