thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
