I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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