Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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