So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
