You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
