I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
